Who Needs Sleep?

"i do not have ADD," is a phrase i subconsciously keep telling myself again and again. "i don't have ADD." if i tell myself often enough, maybe it won't be true. i've never been officially tested, but sometimes i just have to wonder if some of my less endearing habits are only symptoms of a larger mess. every once in a while i feel like i am being honest enough with myself to take a critical approach to my own character and i wonder if i have weaknesses that remain as of yet undisclosed. the people who know me best also let me know that i'm not the only one who suspects that i have attention deficit disorder.

i will admit that i have a hard time getting my brain to settle down at certain times. if there is a task that is sufficiently large or complex, i have a hard time getting finished if i can't imagine the end in my own mind. my mind races back and forth trying to find the viewpoint where all of the intermediate steps can be seen. i stall in dissatisfaction rather than accepting limited foresight in order to move on with what is presently available. some of the more intricate projects are even hard to start because my stream of thought gets caught in an eddy of its own making as i cycle through the possibilities of what might be "the best way" to tackle the challenge. there is an overdraft on my mental resources, as i try to estimate the most economic solution to the end goal.

on a smaller scale, i lose way too much stuff and i know it's not because my brain isn't capable enough to hold on to information. sometimes i think i have more than a knack for remembering trivia, from pop culture on down to stories i've heard from friends and roommates. then there are important daily things like my glasses, credit card bills or my car registration, my keys or whatever else was in my hand when i got out of the car that get put in "safe" places but my mind is too busy to take any notice. soon enough, i'm off again on another search for today's lost object.

somewhere in between these two examples lie the procrastination, the general disorganization of my personal space, the seeming need for constant stimulation - the feed from wearing headphones plugged into an mp3-player most of the day generally provides enough stimulation to calm down my mind. then there is the difficulty i've had my whole life of going to bed. growing up i HATED going to bed and i still have a hard time talking myself into laying down at a reasonable hour.

i can't go to bed unless it's the last thing i can do and my body is too tired to let my mind stay awake. i can have a relatively full and long day, but i will still need about an hour to myself just to complete a series of "one more thing"s that will let my mind be settled once my head hits the pillow. i know that if i go to bed too early, my mind will just get caught in a whirlwind of useless thought. there were years when i had to listen to music so i could stay still enough to fall asleep. the music would give my mind a constant stream of information to concentrate on, but not too much information in which i can get entangled. later i got an eBook reader and i could sit in the dark and read as the words would direct my mind into a calm long enough for my body to take over. i'd eventually fall asleep; the reader and my brain eventually turning themselves off.

after emptying my pockets onto the table beside my bed...

¿how did i get so many pennies?
pennies aren't very useful.
¿was the silver dollar more useful?
i haven't seen a 50¢ coin in a long time.
the 50¢ coin has a good weight for a coin toss, even better than a quarter.
there are a lot of cultural uses of the coin toss.
a coin toss is a good choice for 50/50 option
what about the percentages for a die? -- 16.67% -- that's not very clean
what about two dice?
Still messy - doesn't account for 1 and there's only one way to get a 2, a 3, an 11 or a 12 but lots of ways to get a 4, 5, 6 or 7
9.09% is just a messy percentage
what about even/convenient percentages? -- 5%, 10%, 25%, etc.
i guess they make 10 and 20 sided dice
Weezer has that song
¿what about thirds -- can you get 33%?
¿can you get a three sided object?
"I've got a Dungeon Master's Guide, I've got a 12-sided die..."
a pyramid - oh that's four sides
four sides is good for a one if four chance.
"...I've got Ace Frehley, I've got Peter Criss..."
1/2, 1/4, 1/10, 1/20
¿do dice have to come in even-numbered sides?
how can you make a 3 sided die?
"...in the garage, Where I belong..."
i guess a coin technically has 3 sides if you count the edge.
You could just use 6 sided die and count 1 and 2 as equaling 1, 3 and 4 equaling 2, and 5 and 6 equaling 3
there was that football game when the opening coin toss had the coin stick in the ground on it's edge. "...No one hears me sing this song..."
you could make a 3 sided die if you made it spindle-shaped.
¿what is the percentage likelihood that a coin would stick on it's edge?
¿how come only biology texts use the phrase "spindle-shaped"?...

yes, i'm going to be up for a while, but i'm still not going to get tested for ADD. instead, i will still have my headphones plugged into my ears most of the day and i will still have to read myself to sleep most nights. i will continue to work on getting myself to do something now, even if i can't wrap my brain around all of the future possibilities. and finally, i'll keep going to bed when i can't do anything else and then, maybe, i will prevent my mind from hijacking the opportunity to get a full night's sleep.

even better than that, i just might be able to avoid the whole mess of convincing myself AGAIN that there is NO WAY to make an all-wheel-drive bicycle.

Warning Signs

there are those moments when you can just feel that something isn't quite right. the feeling often arrives in the late afternoon or into the evening. you've been feeling fine all week, but you can't ignore those little hints that you'll be sick by this same time tomorrow.

maybe your eyes are a little itchy, or your throat is starting to tense up. your voice is absent of any kind of rasp or whisper right now, but there is a clear threat of a desertion within the next few days. a peculiar sensation registers in the hitherto unknown sensory receptors of your nose that tells you that you'll be giving up your sense of smell in exchange for being completely stuffed up by the time you wake up the next morning. ¿how does your nose know this? you can feel all these little half-symptoms and precursors of what will rise up as a full blown menace the next day, and you know that there's nothing you can do about it. you'll try the home remedies. you'll take some medicine in advance. you'll sleep just fine tonight, but you'll wake up tired and sick.

i wish there were some sense of purpose to these warning signs. it's not like a traffic cop giving you a warning to slow down or you'll pay the consequences. instead, it's the broad, evil grin of a practical joker who has completely cracked and they're looking at you straight in the eye. you know that no matter how many times you check under your bed, behind the doors, or in the closet, you will eventually "find" the "surprise" and you won't like it. something evil is lurking, and the event is non-negotiable. about all these warnings do for me is extend the suffering by adding a sense of inevitable doom. ¿why does being sick have to taunt you like that?

just the other night, i could tell something was coming on. i could hardly sit still. my hands were all fidgety, and i couldn't concentrate on anything. i couldn't think straight, with the same thoughts going over and over in my head. i'd have to keep a foot wiggling or something like that in order to get a few things done. rocking myself back and forth, i knew i was done for. it was going to be a full blown case of autism by morning.

It's Eating My Brain

in 2004's Super-Size Me, a documentary about fast food, writer-director Morgan Spurlock notes the corrosive influence of fast food not only because of the poor nutritional value, but also the effect of fast food on american culture. Spurlock invites several people to recite the pledge of allegiance. standing on the sidewalk in front of the White House lawn several people give multiple efforts, but no successful recitations are presented in the film. then Spurlock invites them to quote the words to the jingle from the early 80s for the for the Big Mac. "Two all beef patties, special sauce..." and so on spills out easily.

i don't think Spurlock was trying to say that fast food or even jingles in general are the cause of memory loss, but there is something that should be noted: the way jingles etch out an apparent permanence in our brains. over 20 years later, that same type of corrosiveness still leaves its mark. perform a sad little experiment on the average american by singing a little "ba da buh ba bah" and see how many times you get "i'm lovin' it" in response. pathetic.

the ingredients for this mental deterioration are as follows: some simple words, a recognizable tune and endless repetition. the claws dig in and find a home. the words don't have to be good or clever. the tune doesn't have to be unique or even new. your brain doesn't even care if you like mcdonald's or whatever else they're trying to sell. there isn't even any respect for your value system. This last point was demonstrated by the shock on the faces of Spurlock's impromptu test subjects.

perhaps not quite as vile as some commercials are the theme songs to television shows. at least with the theme songs you are choosing to watch the program more often than not. you are intentionally supporting the product that the extended jingle was designed to sell. the same tactics are exploited, but without such malice.

i will admit that i know more words to television theme songs than i'd like to know. let's face it, i've seen too much TV. nevertheless, these songs have a knack for carving into your brain. the Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island were well beyond the years in which they were filmed by the time i saw any episodes and it's been a long time since i found either show entertaining, but i can still sing along. i'm not the only one with that problem either. ¿which are your particular "favorites"? ¿The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire? ¿Cheers? ¿Friends? (i know that my roommate sings the "Thank You for Being a Friend" theme song from The Golden Girls more often than i am comfortable with.)

now let's come back to the present day. i have become the fan of another television show. along with that fandom, i think i'm well on my way to having another theme song burrowed into my brain for the rest of my life.

uuuuuuuuuooooooooOOOOWWWWAAAOOOOOHHHWWWAAAOOOOOOOEEEeeeaooeeeooooh!

Curse you LOST!... i'm going to be singing that song all week.

now i just have to be careful and not get addicted to watching all of those past seasons of 24 ("boop bip boop bip...")

Leave the Starfish Alone

someone has to stand up and say something.

in the recent past the internet, rather than helping to disseminate knowledge, has been burdened with a lot of junk and people have passed that junk on to their friends. sure there were some dumb but relatively harmless pictures that came your way with titles like, "You Have to See This!!" or "You'll Never Believe it!!" but then there are the hoaxes that have the hopelessly naive people trying to get free trips to Disneyland from Bill Gates and sending their money straight into the wallets of some marginally clever Nigerian thieves.

prior to the advent of the internet, there were similarly viral stories that were able to creep into the vocabulary of seemingly sensible people. these are those stories that share some moral ideal, but through an unfortunately contrived tale. some of these stories are purported as true. other stories are told because they just seem "nice". there are probably even some true stories that have had some well intentioned embellishments or some editing due to forgetfulness.

listen up folks -- ENOUGH ALREADY!

passing these stories on isn't doing anyone a favour and this behaviour has been going on too long. Pope Gregory turned Mary Magdalene from a normal person into a whore with his good intentions in 591. it's time for the stories to stop.

• the olive tree is not the only tree in the world to grow counter to the natural way that all other trees grow, giving the tree it's venerable status in the Bible.
• a little girl was not saved from a car accident by a guy that looks like your culturally preferred picture of Jesus.
• your particular religious faith was not miraculously diverted from the World Trade Center on 9/11.
• the Pope does not have 666 inscribed on the inside of his hat,
• we're all still looking for the scripture where Jesus defines the difference between "easy" and "worth it", and finally...
• no one needs to save the starfish.

on behalf of the starfish, i would like to note that SEA STARS CAN WALK! their movement is unique in the animal kingdom, but they can still move and they move surprisingly fast. secondly, sea stars have sensory organs and enough brains to decide where they feel comfortable on their own. the fabled soul who was chucking starfish back into the sea would have at best made the sea stars uncomfortable, along with giving them a chance to take a long walk back "home". at worst, the idiot cast them out beyond where the sea star can find food and shelter or even get back to these necessities... killing them slowly. thanks a lot.

and one final word: that other metaphor is worn out too. (Jesus is tired of walking on the beach.)

things i should not do

recently, on two separate occasions, i asked the same question to two good friends. these are the kinds of friends that i've known long enough that i can ask an honest question and they've stopped worrying about softening the edges of their responses.

each time i asked the question the friend was the only one there to respond, so i'm going to assume that each reaction was true to that person's feelings. i know that the my sample population wasn't statistically significant from a textbook standpoint, but for as long as each person has known me, i would be silly to assume that there isn't some sort of meaning to gain from their responses.

i'd ask the question and the response each time was a small pause followed by laughter. not heavy, gut-busting laughter, but laughing stilll the same. ¿what does this mean?

here was my question: "¿can you imagine me as a waiter?"

both of them had reasons for laughing.

one friend was sure that i would take advantage of being in contact with so many people, and the number of practical jokes would escalate. my sense of what is funny does occasionally short-circuit my sense of what is appropriate, so humour at the expense of others is a legitimate concern. the other friend's accusations were a little more serious. these comments focused on this idea that i'm too much of a snob.

¿what?

i'm not a snob, i'm just used to being right. sometimes i do extend that assumption of my "right"-ness onto things such as music preference, ideas about pop culture and other tastes. i try to let people have room to like what they want (i wouldn't want anyone telling me what to like), but there is the occasional hint that i have placed some opinions into a caste that should be disowned and shunned altogether. i assume a certain amount of logic in the way that i have approached my opinions, and any thinking, reasonable person would agree with me. if you're already having a hard time with this opinion, pardon me while i stare at you like you're an idiot. ¿do i need to spell this out step by step? the potential for social disaster is immense and possibly inevitable.

the possibilities are astounding:

"you're going to order that?"

"honestly, who are you trying to impress?"

"being loud is not going to improve the quality of service. the kitchen is a long ways away, and the surrounding tables apparently don't find you as funny as you think you are."

"i told you that it had mushrooms in it in the first place, and now you want to send it back?!?"

"quit stalling and JUST ORDER A SALAD! salad is salad."

i'm afraid that even when i would manage to keep my mouth shut, the eye-rolling would all too easily express "¿who is this idiot?"

okay, so i'm exaggerating here, but the exaggeration illustrates my fears. ¿would i remember to be patient? ¿would i be understanding that not everyone understands things the same way? ¿could i handle having to talk to people even on the days when i don't want to? i've had positions where i've been involved in customer service and i think that i was amenable enough to the patrons, but what would happen when customer service was the whole of my job?

people have certain expectations when it comes to waiters and waitresses and even the rest of the restaurant industry. a waiter just doing their job is what is expected. ¿don't most people tip just the typical 15% because they think to themselves that the waiter/waitress didn't do anything extremely wrong? it's almost as if people are looking for the things gone wrong instead of what their server did right. ¿would i have the patience to be happy and polite even when the customer hasn't given me much room for a day that isn't quite spot on?

i've done plenty of grunt jobs in my time. there were jobs when they just needed a body, from light assembly to janitorial work to delivering papers, but i've avoided the food industry at all levels. i'm just not sure i could work in an industry so tied to the appetites and expectations of other people. even the people behind the counters at fast food joints are faced with a business founded on a customer base of "i want...".

i will admit to being an introvert and that i'm impressed by those who can provide a smiling face to each customer each work day. i'm impressed by anyone who can deal with so much trash from the general public, both literally and figuratively.

so, when i stop by the fast food restaurant to grab a quick bite to eat, or when i've gone in for a more formal dining experience, i remind myself that the greeter, the waitress, the busboy, and the poor schlep sweeping the floor are all doing something i don't want to do. everyone needs to eat and these people are doing honest work by stepping in for those of us who have chosen not to prepare this meal on our own.

i will try and be grateful for what they do regardless of their position, and i will remain impressed that they continue to do it so well.

and one final word: i do try to not be so opinionated and i do like people, but sometimes... i just like to be by myself.