Hailing from parts unknown...

wrestling

i like to wrestle. sometimes i wish i had done it in junior high and high school. i did go to a few practices my 7th grade year, and i probably even went to a meet or two. i don't know how i quit going, but i did. i guess it was just another sport that my parents weren't sure how to encourage or if they should. growing up i tried soccer, t-ball, basketball, and swimming. i never got any of them right. maybe staying in wrestling would have been fun. i think i could have done alright.

i think that the reason i like to wrestle is that it's such a all encompassing activity. you're using your arms, your legs, and everything in between to the maximum level all at once. at the same time wrestling is terribly exhausting and i'm always so nervous before i have to wrestle. it's a test of the basic elements that make up what you are... unable to be estimated, but confirmed measurements as you put your body up to the next challenge. to me, wrestling seems that it's an awful lot like rock climbing, except you don't have to worry as much about gravity. i'm still on the verge of a panic attack, but i'm just not going to fall.

maybe the fear before wrestling accounts account for the scarcity of wrestling. i've probably only wrestled twice in the last 10 years. the other reason i can think of for not wrestling is that i'm worried i'll pick an easy fight. ¿what good is it to beat someone that wasn't a challenge at all? i don't want to pick an unchanging match, so i'm sure get in well over my head.

i was down in New Mexico, working as a trail crew foreman at Philmont Scout Ranch. i had taken my crew over to visit another crew at the other crew's invitation. the other crew wanted to host a dinner, and we let them feed us some fried chicken. the after dinner tour of camp included the introduction of their wrestling ring. the other crew had pulled all of the rocks out of the ground in this space between a few trees. the ground had been tilled up through the search for rocks and multiple wrestling matches. i wanted to wrestle.

the two fears kicked in. the excitement that someone was going to kick my trash and the smaller concern that i won't pick a fair fight. so, i looked around the two crews and found the assistant foreman who was both taller and heavier than me, extended a hand in his direction and said, "you". the challenge was accepted and i was sure i was on my way to getting killed.

we both entered the make-shift ring and began the face off. i can feel the sense of complete panic just welling up inside of me. i've committed to the match by stepping into the circle, but i'm much too nervous for the match to start. facing each other we rotate as my mind shifts through all of the worst possibilities. i don't want to be the first to reach for my opponent, because i'm afraid that he'll take advantage of my poor attack. i don't want him to come after me, because then we'll be wrestling on his terms. you can see that my mind has already decided that i cannot win no matter what i choose. my mind continues enveloping itself in the mire of panic. i can already feel the suffocation of being pinned to the ground, unable to move in spite of all of my will to break free and the only physical contact we've made is with our hands brushing away outstretched arms as we make a few swipes to measure each other's reach.

wresting is never long when measured by a clock, but whether i'm winning or losing a time period to rival the history of the earth seems to fill my brain. i might not win this round, but while i'm out there i'd be happy to avoid being completely helpless as i'm held to the ground. i have put myself in the wrestling ring.

that was a few years back, but guys haven't changed much. everyone is still looking for some way to challenge themselves. i live in a college town just a few blocks south of campus, so it wasn't that strange to have the next door neighbor come by announcing the neighborhood wrestling night. of course i had to go. would i wrestle? maybe. i got nervous just at the thought.

i watched a few of my neighbors wrestle. one match went back and forth for so many times that it was hard to tell if there was a winner. would i have enough endurance if i had a match like that? i kept waiting to see if someone would get there that i could wrestle. i'm only 5'10" with my shoes on, but i weigh more than 210. i at least needed somebody close to my weight. i finally decided that one of my upstairs neighbors seemed the closest to my size. i was asked if i was going to wrestle and i went out to the floor.

i began a match again with the uncertain circling. i was out on the mat, but unwilling to complete my commitment. after too much time to size up the competition i heard someone say, "Aren't you going to wrestle?" Then we made real contact.

there are rewards to the panic that i can feel. the next few moments were frantic. at one point, i had rolled my opponent into the couch where the portion of the audience occupying those seats lifted their feet off the floor to keep from getting their legs pinned against the couch. i felt pretty good when my opponent's roommate said, "he's throwing you around like the rag doll that you aren't!" the panic was full on and i was scrambling.

the floor was covered with a bamboo mat, and my bare feet kept sliding across its surface as i tried to maneuver the other wrestler. all of that movement across an alternately smooth and rough surface caused me to peel the skin off of the inside edge of the pad of both big toes. i didn't know that i had self-inflicted that damage until i was moving back to my seat after the match.

i don't know if there was a pin to end the match, but we must have come to some agreement that we were done. i thanked my neighbor for the match and he said, "if it means anything i felt completely hopeless from the beginning." the open wounds on my toes were going to be a pain, but i had felt the high i had hoped for.

i don't know how long it will be before i wrestle again, maybe never. i'm moving out of the age-group where guys just do stupid stuff because they can. i hope all this doesn't sound like too much of a brag. i do realize that i might not be picking fair fights. i've never gone up against someone who's had a lot of wrestling experience and i might be misjudging my size-class to my advantage. i do know that i'll be tempted if the opportunity presents itself. i will feel the same panic, and i'll still probably wonder if i would have had fun if i had continued to practice and wrestle in school.