Thesis timeline

Here is the short version: TOO LONG.

Now for a little bit longer version: TOO LONG, but it may end.

And for further details:

My graduate studies have had a few breaks here and there. I didn't go to any classes for an entire year. (I did attended one class, but I didn't get credit.) I got married in the middle of one semester. I went through a strange change in my program of study and traded out one committee member for another the next semester. I still really like this former committee member (Hi, Cliff), but I moved from a thesis in Science Education to one outside of Education. Next up, there's no financial assistance during the summer. There's a year for you.

While I've been in school I'm sure I could have done more along the way, but some of the time has seemed to slip on by. After babies being born (we've got two you know) and Laura's surgeries following having babies (she's had two you know), I lost a little bit of time to just taking care of the family. Laura wasn't supposed to be lifting our girls for a good while after each surgery. Some class loads have been heavy some semesters, and it's hard to work your TA hours part-time and study full-time and see your wife at least some-time.

And then there is the total work load. ¿Who knew that there would be so much work to sorting all of these bugs? So many people have put some time into these bugs:
- a dozen and then some undergraduate students
- at least four graduate students
- 30+ secondary science teachers.

Some people have put in less than 10 hours. Others put in a few hours a week for a semester. A few have committed to a solid 10+ hours per week for more than a semester. I have no idea how much time I have spent with these bugs, but I'm sure I've pulled every sample out of every bag at least once, if not twice and many of them 3 or more times. SO MUCH TIME.

here are the numbers:
- 11 Orders of insects
- 13 Orders of arthropods
- 44 families of flies
- 66 overall taxa
- 71 samples sorted completely, and another dozen partially but we won't use their data.
(one bag got lost somewhere that we did want to sort, but what can you do.)
- Over 81% of the individuals identified was a fly of some sort. In non-scientific terms, you could say that we had "a lot" of flies. (one, two, many, lots).
- 62,497 individuals have been identified, and sized. (a few estimates were done with a couple of groups, but seriously... i checked the accuracy of our estimation procedure and 62,497 is the number I'm sticking to.)

I personally had gone through all of the samples at least once by Friday, March 5th. By then, every insect had a name label connected to it. There were bugs that still needed to be sized after that, but all of them were named. ¿Didn't I tell you that our experimental design guaranteed that every bug was going to get handled at least twice? YEESH.

Since March 5th I've consolidated multiple spreadsheets, corrected spelling errors from all of the different people who have entered this data on to a computer, and tried to make one coherent body out of this information we've collected. Spreadsheets, pivot tables, databases, statistical and community analysis software. With scientific names, there is a high propensity for misspelling. Misspelling really makes your data come out wrong when you're trying to explain how many groups of things you have caught.

I also spent time going back and identifying insects that were named wrong the first time through. There are a few names that I knew gave other identifiers problems. There were a few names that I knew that gave me problems. I got smarter, so I went back to as many of the problem children as I could find.

I have made quite a sum of graphs and charts this last month and a half. Today, I slapped some of the results together into PowerPoint. I had my Defense of Research. The Defense of Research is with your committee members. I basically got to say, "Here is my data so far," "This is how I plan to analyze it," and the committee tells me what I REALLY should be doing instead.

We collected in two habitats, during two summers, with two types of traps. From what I've analyzed so far the habitats are significantly different, the years are probably significantly different, but trap type doesn't seem to matter.

My committee likes my data. During the defense they wondered if I could do both a methodology paper (trap types) and a diversity paper from my data. Then, right at the end I remembered that I had done a bunch of Jaccard's similarity indices with my data. ¿Why did I do that? Nerd is the answer. The abundance analysis (#s of individuals per category) in my presentation says that habitats are different, but the richness analysis (# of types of bugs) using Jaccard's says that habitats are very much the same. My little "oh, yeah" at the end of the defense gave my committee even more reason to consider two publications. And if we don't get two publications, we lump the whole study into one submission and try again.

Here is some other good news. I was going to do a species listing of Bombyliids (Bee Flies) from the Escalante-Grand Staircase National Monument, but my current data will give me enough to graduate. I didn't present any data on the Bombyliids today, and my committee was fine with that. Riley would like me to finish my work, but my Master's will not depend on finishing the Bombyliid study. I can sort Bombys after I submit my thesis at the first of July. It would be good for me to work for another publication or two and I know too much about Bombys to just let them slip away. Above all, it's nice to know that I don't have to also have all of that sorting done by the end of June, in addition to writing up all of this work.

All week long I was working out how I was going to discuss the Bombyliid issue. I got exactly what I was hoping for: A place to work on those bugs if my time works out for that, but I can still graduate without knocking down that next mountain before July.

Here's to defending my thesis at then end of June. Whew!

End of the Holidays

Well, we're coming to the end of a good extended holiday. We've been in Canada for over two weeks. This was only our second trip to Canada for 2009, so we were excited to get our girls up here to show off to the family. It's been a good time.

Chloe is still a mama's girl, but she has learned that she can be content in the arms of lots of other people besides mama's.

Chloe has also been quite curious. She has enjoyed watching her cousins and they have captured her attention for extended periods of time. Chloe has rewarded their attention with plenty of smiles.

Chloe has become much more vocal on this trip. Not a lot of jabbering, but she has found a strong volume for her shouting and hollering. Her noise-making doesn't seem to be directed at anyone, she just has to make a ruckus now and then.

I will feel sad for Maggie when we go home. She is going to lose a lot being back home. Maggie has had so many cousins to play with. She has been put on center stage so often here. Besides all of the regular play time with cousins closer to her age, Maggie has had plenty of time to show off all of her signs. There have been a few times where nearly everyone in the room, adult and child, have watched Maggie show off her knowledge. It is especially fun to have Maggie show off with the alphabet or her signs for feelings. "SCARED!" She is such a smarty-pants, and loves to interact, smile and laugh. She is has been so good to play and explore, even if some of that exploration has given Laura and I a lot to pick up after.

Besides exploring and having people to play with, Maggie may have other hardships when we get home. Maggie and I have been slumber party buddies for these past 16+ days. We've even laid down together for a couple of naps. She's a little rough at times. I've had both headbutts and kicks to the face, and she wiggles ALL OVER the mattress in the night. Even with all of her rolling around, it has been fun to peek over in the middle of the night and see Maggie's sleeping face. I don't know how she'll adjust to the the confines of her crib, not to mention having to fall asleep on her own at home. I hope that the familiarity of Maggie's crib and room will make up for not having me and her mom put her to bed in such a one-on-one manner.

This family time is so good for the girls and for us. I am sure that both our babies have learned a lot, and had experiences that will benefit their little souls. I will be sad to leave for all of us. Not only will we have to make up for whatever our girls will miss not being here, I am also going to have a wife to tend through her mourning. We're not sure when our next visit to Canada will be, and Laura is always sad to leave. We at least know that Grandma and Grandpa will be visiting soon.

Not a good day

yesterday was a bad day. i'm just going to list two of the symptoms.

first of all, it was Saint Patrick's Day, and i ended up on campus without a single green article of clothing. if you know me you know that not wearing something green even at random is somewhat of a feat -- not one of my multiple pairs of green shoes, not one of my green ball caps, not even my green belt. no green from this little fish.

the second symptom requires some mental imaging: two giant spoonfuls of Life cereal through the nose (along with the rest of the cereal and milk that came out of my mouth). that's what i get for eating too fast and having a bit of a cough in the middle of gulping down the milk from my bowl. Life cereal is a little reluctant to leave your sinuses. cleanup wasn't the best.

Troubled child

Elementary school is a confusing place and an often terrible place to send children, and by terrible i mean something that instills terror. Kids at that age are burdened by the juxtaposition of the desire to reason things out for themselves and the lack of experience and judgement to not come to faulty conclusions. Then we put a bunch of them together all at once for eight hours, thank you very much.

From my own experience, i can remember walking up to a girl and basically saying, "you are chinese". She was probably of Asian decent, but she was quite adamant that she was in no way chinese. i was definitely confused. Why couldn't she tell that she was chinese? She looked just like "chinese". my friends had told me just what "chinese" looks like. For all i know, she could have been adopted, and as young as we were she probably had no idea about any other ancestry besides being from Utah.

The reason i've even been thinking about this is because of all the talk about my Maggie looking like me. i've heard it plenty of times already, and i hope that her looks won't be too heavy of a burden as she grows up. i look back at my pictures growing up and half the time i can only see my mouth weighed down by heavy cheeks and hanging open and my heavy eyelids giving me a perpetual drowsy look. i look like i've got downs syndrome. i'm telling you truth when i say that someone was serious when they told me that they wondered if i was a regular passenger on the short bus. (Then again, maybe that question was in their mind not based on my looks at all -- yeesh. It was my destiny to be an awkward child.)

Maggie does have some of her mother's traits. As i've said before, Maggie's dimpled chin comes from her mother. In addition to her chin it is obvious that Maggie's feet and her hands definitely belong to her mother. These exceptions are also a comfort because it's not just facial features that can supply a little childhood anxiety.

i remember being on the elementary school playground, sometime probably before third-grade, and having an older kid sitting in the swings give his assessment of who i was. i will admit that i could put on a pair of shorts and the bottom hem of those shorts seemed to easly reach down to eclipse the tops of my socks. i will also confess that i could put on grandpa's hat and the hat wouldn't fall down over my eyes, but i could not convice this kid on the swings that i was not lying when i said i was not a midget. Short little kid with a long body and a big head - to what other conclusion was that kid supposed to arrive?

good luck Maggie. i'm sorry.

---------

As long as were on the topic of poor logic, check out a couple of episodes of what might be my favorite radio program: This American Life.

Listen to the prologue (six minutes) on Kid Logic and the prologue and first Act (18 minutes) of A Little Bit of Knowledge. Each program is good as a whole, but not quite as light-hearted as the opening minutes.

Who Needs Sleep?

"i do not have ADD," is a phrase i subconsciously keep telling myself again and again. "i don't have ADD." if i tell myself often enough, maybe it won't be true. i've never been officially tested, but sometimes i just have to wonder if some of my less endearing habits are only symptoms of a larger mess. every once in a while i feel like i am being honest enough with myself to take a critical approach to my own character and i wonder if i have weaknesses that remain as of yet undisclosed. the people who know me best also let me know that i'm not the only one who suspects that i have attention deficit disorder.

i will admit that i have a hard time getting my brain to settle down at certain times. if there is a task that is sufficiently large or complex, i have a hard time getting finished if i can't imagine the end in my own mind. my mind races back and forth trying to find the viewpoint where all of the intermediate steps can be seen. i stall in dissatisfaction rather than accepting limited foresight in order to move on with what is presently available. some of the more intricate projects are even hard to start because my stream of thought gets caught in an eddy of its own making as i cycle through the possibilities of what might be "the best way" to tackle the challenge. there is an overdraft on my mental resources, as i try to estimate the most economic solution to the end goal.

on a smaller scale, i lose way too much stuff and i know it's not because my brain isn't capable enough to hold on to information. sometimes i think i have more than a knack for remembering trivia, from pop culture on down to stories i've heard from friends and roommates. then there are important daily things like my glasses, credit card bills or my car registration, my keys or whatever else was in my hand when i got out of the car that get put in "safe" places but my mind is too busy to take any notice. soon enough, i'm off again on another search for today's lost object.

somewhere in between these two examples lie the procrastination, the general disorganization of my personal space, the seeming need for constant stimulation - the feed from wearing headphones plugged into an mp3-player most of the day generally provides enough stimulation to calm down my mind. then there is the difficulty i've had my whole life of going to bed. growing up i HATED going to bed and i still have a hard time talking myself into laying down at a reasonable hour.

i can't go to bed unless it's the last thing i can do and my body is too tired to let my mind stay awake. i can have a relatively full and long day, but i will still need about an hour to myself just to complete a series of "one more thing"s that will let my mind be settled once my head hits the pillow. i know that if i go to bed too early, my mind will just get caught in a whirlwind of useless thought. there were years when i had to listen to music so i could stay still enough to fall asleep. the music would give my mind a constant stream of information to concentrate on, but not too much information in which i can get entangled. later i got an eBook reader and i could sit in the dark and read as the words would direct my mind into a calm long enough for my body to take over. i'd eventually fall asleep; the reader and my brain eventually turning themselves off.

after emptying my pockets onto the table beside my bed...

¿how did i get so many pennies?
pennies aren't very useful.
¿was the silver dollar more useful?
i haven't seen a 50¢ coin in a long time.
the 50¢ coin has a good weight for a coin toss, even better than a quarter.
there are a lot of cultural uses of the coin toss.
a coin toss is a good choice for 50/50 option
what about the percentages for a die? -- 16.67% -- that's not very clean
what about two dice?
Still messy - doesn't account for 1 and there's only one way to get a 2, a 3, an 11 or a 12 but lots of ways to get a 4, 5, 6 or 7
9.09% is just a messy percentage
what about even/convenient percentages? -- 5%, 10%, 25%, etc.
i guess they make 10 and 20 sided dice
Weezer has that song
¿what about thirds -- can you get 33%?
¿can you get a three sided object?
"I've got a Dungeon Master's Guide, I've got a 12-sided die..."
a pyramid - oh that's four sides
four sides is good for a one if four chance.
"...I've got Ace Frehley, I've got Peter Criss..."
1/2, 1/4, 1/10, 1/20
¿do dice have to come in even-numbered sides?
how can you make a 3 sided die?
"...in the garage, Where I belong..."
i guess a coin technically has 3 sides if you count the edge.
You could just use 6 sided die and count 1 and 2 as equaling 1, 3 and 4 equaling 2, and 5 and 6 equaling 3
there was that football game when the opening coin toss had the coin stick in the ground on it's edge. "...No one hears me sing this song..."
you could make a 3 sided die if you made it spindle-shaped.
¿what is the percentage likelihood that a coin would stick on it's edge?
¿how come only biology texts use the phrase "spindle-shaped"?...

yes, i'm going to be up for a while, but i'm still not going to get tested for ADD. instead, i will still have my headphones plugged into my ears most of the day and i will still have to read myself to sleep most nights. i will continue to work on getting myself to do something now, even if i can't wrap my brain around all of the future possibilities. and finally, i'll keep going to bed when i can't do anything else and then, maybe, i will prevent my mind from hijacking the opportunity to get a full night's sleep.

even better than that, i just might be able to avoid the whole mess of convincing myself AGAIN that there is NO WAY to make an all-wheel-drive bicycle.

Leave the Starfish Alone

someone has to stand up and say something.

in the recent past the internet, rather than helping to disseminate knowledge, has been burdened with a lot of junk and people have passed that junk on to their friends. sure there were some dumb but relatively harmless pictures that came your way with titles like, "You Have to See This!!" or "You'll Never Believe it!!" but then there are the hoaxes that have the hopelessly naive people trying to get free trips to Disneyland from Bill Gates and sending their money straight into the wallets of some marginally clever Nigerian thieves.

prior to the advent of the internet, there were similarly viral stories that were able to creep into the vocabulary of seemingly sensible people. these are those stories that share some moral ideal, but through an unfortunately contrived tale. some of these stories are purported as true. other stories are told because they just seem "nice". there are probably even some true stories that have had some well intentioned embellishments or some editing due to forgetfulness.

listen up folks -- ENOUGH ALREADY!

passing these stories on isn't doing anyone a favour and this behaviour has been going on too long. Pope Gregory turned Mary Magdalene from a normal person into a whore with his good intentions in 591. it's time for the stories to stop.

• the olive tree is not the only tree in the world to grow counter to the natural way that all other trees grow, giving the tree it's venerable status in the Bible.
• a little girl was not saved from a car accident by a guy that looks like your culturally preferred picture of Jesus.
• your particular religious faith was not miraculously diverted from the World Trade Center on 9/11.
• the Pope does not have 666 inscribed on the inside of his hat,
• we're all still looking for the scripture where Jesus defines the difference between "easy" and "worth it", and finally...
• no one needs to save the starfish.

on behalf of the starfish, i would like to note that SEA STARS CAN WALK! their movement is unique in the animal kingdom, but they can still move and they move surprisingly fast. secondly, sea stars have sensory organs and enough brains to decide where they feel comfortable on their own. the fabled soul who was chucking starfish back into the sea would have at best made the sea stars uncomfortable, along with giving them a chance to take a long walk back "home". at worst, the idiot cast them out beyond where the sea star can find food and shelter or even get back to these necessities... killing them slowly. thanks a lot.

and one final word: that other metaphor is worn out too. (Jesus is tired of walking on the beach.)

things i should not do

recently, on two separate occasions, i asked the same question to two good friends. these are the kinds of friends that i've known long enough that i can ask an honest question and they've stopped worrying about softening the edges of their responses.

each time i asked the question the friend was the only one there to respond, so i'm going to assume that each reaction was true to that person's feelings. i know that the my sample population wasn't statistically significant from a textbook standpoint, but for as long as each person has known me, i would be silly to assume that there isn't some sort of meaning to gain from their responses.

i'd ask the question and the response each time was a small pause followed by laughter. not heavy, gut-busting laughter, but laughing stilll the same. ¿what does this mean?

here was my question: "¿can you imagine me as a waiter?"

both of them had reasons for laughing.

one friend was sure that i would take advantage of being in contact with so many people, and the number of practical jokes would escalate. my sense of what is funny does occasionally short-circuit my sense of what is appropriate, so humour at the expense of others is a legitimate concern. the other friend's accusations were a little more serious. these comments focused on this idea that i'm too much of a snob.

¿what?

i'm not a snob, i'm just used to being right. sometimes i do extend that assumption of my "right"-ness onto things such as music preference, ideas about pop culture and other tastes. i try to let people have room to like what they want (i wouldn't want anyone telling me what to like), but there is the occasional hint that i have placed some opinions into a caste that should be disowned and shunned altogether. i assume a certain amount of logic in the way that i have approached my opinions, and any thinking, reasonable person would agree with me. if you're already having a hard time with this opinion, pardon me while i stare at you like you're an idiot. ¿do i need to spell this out step by step? the potential for social disaster is immense and possibly inevitable.

the possibilities are astounding:

"you're going to order that?"

"honestly, who are you trying to impress?"

"being loud is not going to improve the quality of service. the kitchen is a long ways away, and the surrounding tables apparently don't find you as funny as you think you are."

"i told you that it had mushrooms in it in the first place, and now you want to send it back?!?"

"quit stalling and JUST ORDER A SALAD! salad is salad."

i'm afraid that even when i would manage to keep my mouth shut, the eye-rolling would all too easily express "¿who is this idiot?"

okay, so i'm exaggerating here, but the exaggeration illustrates my fears. ¿would i remember to be patient? ¿would i be understanding that not everyone understands things the same way? ¿could i handle having to talk to people even on the days when i don't want to? i've had positions where i've been involved in customer service and i think that i was amenable enough to the patrons, but what would happen when customer service was the whole of my job?

people have certain expectations when it comes to waiters and waitresses and even the rest of the restaurant industry. a waiter just doing their job is what is expected. ¿don't most people tip just the typical 15% because they think to themselves that the waiter/waitress didn't do anything extremely wrong? it's almost as if people are looking for the things gone wrong instead of what their server did right. ¿would i have the patience to be happy and polite even when the customer hasn't given me much room for a day that isn't quite spot on?

i've done plenty of grunt jobs in my time. there were jobs when they just needed a body, from light assembly to janitorial work to delivering papers, but i've avoided the food industry at all levels. i'm just not sure i could work in an industry so tied to the appetites and expectations of other people. even the people behind the counters at fast food joints are faced with a business founded on a customer base of "i want...".

i will admit to being an introvert and that i'm impressed by those who can provide a smiling face to each customer each work day. i'm impressed by anyone who can deal with so much trash from the general public, both literally and figuratively.

so, when i stop by the fast food restaurant to grab a quick bite to eat, or when i've gone in for a more formal dining experience, i remind myself that the greeter, the waitress, the busboy, and the poor schlep sweeping the floor are all doing something i don't want to do. everyone needs to eat and these people are doing honest work by stepping in for those of us who have chosen not to prepare this meal on our own.

i will try and be grateful for what they do regardless of their position, and i will remain impressed that they continue to do it so well.

and one final word: i do try to not be so opinionated and i do like people, but sometimes... i just like to be by myself.

Measuring Fitness: getting a low rating from Charles

deep down. deep down inside, i'm hoping that someone, somewhere will consider me a scientist. i've studied in the desert. i've studied by the ocean. i've seen a whale leap from the sea and i've watched as a fertilized egg divides. i hope that someone, someday will see inside of me and say, "Biologist".

the unifying theme of biology is evolution. from single celled organisms on up to the complex behaviours of social animals, all find a home on the same evolutionary tree. this interconnectedness of the biological world was elucidated by Charles Darwin in his publication of The Origin of Species (1859). The complete title of Darwin's work was On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. if anyone is going to call me a biologist, i better know something about biology's central theory. i'm still studying.

there i was, in my graduate course on population ecology; a class focused on the way a population's numbers can rise and fall. the professor points to a 30 year old Ph.D. student who has five kids, and we discuss the reproductive potential of a population following that model of reproduction. then i started to feel bad.

natural selection measures the fitness of individuals. fitness is not how fast that individual can run, or how much food it can acquire (although these may be components of fitness). fitness, in the end, is how many offspring you produce that go on to produce offspring of their own. a hopelessness started to settle in.

a well-reasoning person wouldn't hire an accountant who's filing for personal bankruptcy to manage their assets. common sense would make you question the quality of an obese nutritionist. each person should know the common language of their field. if i were i biologist, i'd understand evolution and in turn i'd understand natural selection and at least something about fitness.

i am a 32 year-old with no children of my own, sitting next to a 30 year old with five. somehow, even with all of this studying, i have overlooked the idea of my personal fitness. one professor has called my attention, essentially placing my own self on the scale to weigh in on the field of biology, and has found me lacking.

Charles thinks i'm a joke.

Me and the Bears

i've been lucky in life. good things have come my way and i've always had enough, if not more.
unfortunately, the collection and possession of things can be a snare that engulfs us, blinding us as to what really matters.

in an effort to distinguish what counts in life, there may be nothing that clears the vision quite like living without. i'm not saying that you have to move to a third world country, but time overseas can have a similar effect. what i'm talking about here is time in the woods. even if it's just for a short recreational time, your vision increases. a hike up a hill can make you appreciate a cool drink of clean water, even without the aid of artificial refrigeration surprisingly enough. riding the trails on your mountain bike gives a certain sense of the enjoyment of just being able to chose for yourself where you will go. camping overnight can help to broaden your understanding, but what will happen if you extend this trip to more than a weekend escape?

i've been lucky in being able to have more than one job that has sent me to the woods for a day, a week or even the whole summer. needs are nearly reduced to shelter, food, and water. walls, roofs, doors and floors become luxuries. the body quickly gets used to sleeping on the ground as it begins to realize that more important than cushioning layers beneath is just a flat place to lay. artificial schedules, like TV programming and the rotation of movies through the Megaplex, are replaced by a simple cycle of when to work, when to eat, when to sleep, sunrise and sunset. you give up being defined by what you own, and become what you have learned and the character you display. even social customs can be viewed under new light as you learn what you can live without. (i'll shower... ¿next week?)

i hope that this description doesn't sound too much like an transcendentalist's dream. i won't claim to have ever gone so far that i was completely cut off from the world outside of the woods. i have been far enough out that i stopped getting dirty because there just wasn't any more room for dirt, and i've carried my room and board on my back for a number of miles. it's out there that i've started to think.

each time i come back from the woods, whether it was a short day trip or a week long trek, i take a look at the dirt i've collected. fine dust has settled through my clothes onto my skin. wash water quickly turns brown with spinning clothes, and it's the second shower that finally washes away the remaining hints that i may have tanned a little in the sun. my boots have often been caked with mud. other camping equipment and the vehicle used to get "out there" have similar fates. as all this dirt washes down the respective drains i start to wonder if i'm taking too much from the environment. ¿how many pounds have i brought home with me, only to be cast off like second hand material? there's nothing wrong with that dirt, and had a purpose of its own. ¿was that dirt going to be the home for something new to grow? or ¿was it just simply helping to hold up that mountain side? i wonder if i'm treating the dirt the way it deserves to be treated ¿am i taking more from the environment than i'm giving back?

i think it's time to go give something back, and i think i know what i'm going to do.



(i'm gonna go poop in the woods)



and i'm going to feel good about it every time i do it.

Hailing from parts unknown...

wrestling

i like to wrestle. sometimes i wish i had done it in junior high and high school. i did go to a few practices my 7th grade year, and i probably even went to a meet or two. i don't know how i quit going, but i did. i guess it was just another sport that my parents weren't sure how to encourage or if they should. growing up i tried soccer, t-ball, basketball, and swimming. i never got any of them right. maybe staying in wrestling would have been fun. i think i could have done alright.

i think that the reason i like to wrestle is that it's such a all encompassing activity. you're using your arms, your legs, and everything in between to the maximum level all at once. at the same time wrestling is terribly exhausting and i'm always so nervous before i have to wrestle. it's a test of the basic elements that make up what you are... unable to be estimated, but confirmed measurements as you put your body up to the next challenge. to me, wrestling seems that it's an awful lot like rock climbing, except you don't have to worry as much about gravity. i'm still on the verge of a panic attack, but i'm just not going to fall.

maybe the fear before wrestling accounts account for the scarcity of wrestling. i've probably only wrestled twice in the last 10 years. the other reason i can think of for not wrestling is that i'm worried i'll pick an easy fight. ¿what good is it to beat someone that wasn't a challenge at all? i don't want to pick an unchanging match, so i'm sure get in well over my head.

i was down in New Mexico, working as a trail crew foreman at Philmont Scout Ranch. i had taken my crew over to visit another crew at the other crew's invitation. the other crew wanted to host a dinner, and we let them feed us some fried chicken. the after dinner tour of camp included the introduction of their wrestling ring. the other crew had pulled all of the rocks out of the ground in this space between a few trees. the ground had been tilled up through the search for rocks and multiple wrestling matches. i wanted to wrestle.

the two fears kicked in. the excitement that someone was going to kick my trash and the smaller concern that i won't pick a fair fight. so, i looked around the two crews and found the assistant foreman who was both taller and heavier than me, extended a hand in his direction and said, "you". the challenge was accepted and i was sure i was on my way to getting killed.

we both entered the make-shift ring and began the face off. i can feel the sense of complete panic just welling up inside of me. i've committed to the match by stepping into the circle, but i'm much too nervous for the match to start. facing each other we rotate as my mind shifts through all of the worst possibilities. i don't want to be the first to reach for my opponent, because i'm afraid that he'll take advantage of my poor attack. i don't want him to come after me, because then we'll be wrestling on his terms. you can see that my mind has already decided that i cannot win no matter what i choose. my mind continues enveloping itself in the mire of panic. i can already feel the suffocation of being pinned to the ground, unable to move in spite of all of my will to break free and the only physical contact we've made is with our hands brushing away outstretched arms as we make a few swipes to measure each other's reach.

wresting is never long when measured by a clock, but whether i'm winning or losing a time period to rival the history of the earth seems to fill my brain. i might not win this round, but while i'm out there i'd be happy to avoid being completely helpless as i'm held to the ground. i have put myself in the wrestling ring.

that was a few years back, but guys haven't changed much. everyone is still looking for some way to challenge themselves. i live in a college town just a few blocks south of campus, so it wasn't that strange to have the next door neighbor come by announcing the neighborhood wrestling night. of course i had to go. would i wrestle? maybe. i got nervous just at the thought.

i watched a few of my neighbors wrestle. one match went back and forth for so many times that it was hard to tell if there was a winner. would i have enough endurance if i had a match like that? i kept waiting to see if someone would get there that i could wrestle. i'm only 5'10" with my shoes on, but i weigh more than 210. i at least needed somebody close to my weight. i finally decided that one of my upstairs neighbors seemed the closest to my size. i was asked if i was going to wrestle and i went out to the floor.

i began a match again with the uncertain circling. i was out on the mat, but unwilling to complete my commitment. after too much time to size up the competition i heard someone say, "Aren't you going to wrestle?" Then we made real contact.

there are rewards to the panic that i can feel. the next few moments were frantic. at one point, i had rolled my opponent into the couch where the portion of the audience occupying those seats lifted their feet off the floor to keep from getting their legs pinned against the couch. i felt pretty good when my opponent's roommate said, "he's throwing you around like the rag doll that you aren't!" the panic was full on and i was scrambling.

the floor was covered with a bamboo mat, and my bare feet kept sliding across its surface as i tried to maneuver the other wrestler. all of that movement across an alternately smooth and rough surface caused me to peel the skin off of the inside edge of the pad of both big toes. i didn't know that i had self-inflicted that damage until i was moving back to my seat after the match.

i don't know if there was a pin to end the match, but we must have come to some agreement that we were done. i thanked my neighbor for the match and he said, "if it means anything i felt completely hopeless from the beginning." the open wounds on my toes were going to be a pain, but i had felt the high i had hoped for.

i don't know how long it will be before i wrestle again, maybe never. i'm moving out of the age-group where guys just do stupid stuff because they can. i hope all this doesn't sound like too much of a brag. i do realize that i might not be picking fair fights. i've never gone up against someone who's had a lot of wrestling experience and i might be misjudging my size-class to my advantage. i do know that i'll be tempted if the opportunity presents itself. i will feel the same panic, and i'll still probably wonder if i would have had fun if i had continued to practice and wrestle in school.

yes, this is ANOTHER post-election day disappointment

yes, i know i live in utah and i know that utah is conservative, but that doesn't mean that i can't hope for the nation as a whole. since i live in utah, i guess i'm a liberal. outside of utah, i'm sure everyone would say i'm conservative and that's okay too. either way i couldn't adopt one political party and assume that it was going to take me where i wanted to go anyway. that said, i do know one thing: i'm not a republican.

a friend asked me what i thought the way utahns voted on initiative one, an initiative sponsored by the Utahns for Clean Water, Clean Air and Quality Growth group. this initiative was to protect rivers, streams, lakes, watersheds and even giving money to recreation. utah voted no, even though the estimated cost would have been $14 per year to a family of four and could only extend up to 13 years. ¿what's wrong with protecting our land, air and water?http://www.smartgrowth.org/news/article.asp?art=4330&State=45&res=1024

so, in response to that failed initiative, here's what i wrote:

i was really saddened by how much Initiative 1 lost, but we(utah) also elected 'money first' for a governor. i'm sorry, but i just have a hard time believing that this new majority of republicans in office (i.e., the federal legislature) is going to be good for us.

the U.S. has this sense of morality that i find a little disturbing. there is an imperturbability of the nation at the news of continued deaths in Iraq and an absence of accounting for the lives of Iraqis fighting with us. news about shady deals with Halliburton, war under questionable circumstances (the absence of WMDs), the unwillingness to admit mistakes by the president or vice president and plenty of bad news in the week before an election didn't combine to dissuade the general public from this "moral" stance. death to foreigners and big business gets the rubber stamp of approval. 'me first' wins again, followed closely by 'right now' in second. middle america is comfortably unconcerned about questioning whether or not their government's actions are just. tuesday's election results are clear about that.

it's hard to find someone who says, "we've been giving money enough room lately," in order to focus on the quality of living. there is always going to be somebody, whether it's the government or private parties, who is ready to advance the cause of consumerism. quality of living is where champions are lacking.

sure, we've got national security issues, but 'me first' makes that a mess too. "either you're with us or against us" doesn't leave much room for effective partnerships, but that's okay. the US doesn't need anybody. we'll fight everybody. europe is continuing with the creation of new partnerships, a new peace and a new super power with the progress of the EU, and the U.S. is insulating it's ignorance from anything that isn't "american" with no peace or partnerships in mind. maybe things have to get really bad before the U.S. population changes it's attitude and then they'll ask their government to change it's approach. unfortunately we're going to have to live through four more years of spending, fighting and environmental degradation.

the only consolation to the election results is that George is going to have to deal with his own mess. 18 months from now when iraq is still messy and U.S. troops are still fighting a war instead of maintaining a supporting role to a functioning iraqi government, when the economy is still poor to mediocre, and presidential approval has continued in it's decline, George won't be able to blame anyone else for the state of the nation. it will be his mess, under his leadership.

well, ¿have i ranted enough?

Gulf War Song - Moxy Fruvous (1993)

We got a call to write a song about the war in the Gulf
But we shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings
So we tried, then gave up, 'cause there was no such song
But the trying was very revealing
What makes a person so poisonous righteous
That they'd think less of anyone who just disagreed?
She's just a pacifist, he's just a patriot
If I said you were crazy, would you have to fight me?

Fighters for liberty, fighters for power
Fighters for longer turns in the shower
Don't tell me I can't fight, 'cause I'll punch out your lights
And history seems to agree that I would fight you for me

So we read and we watched all the specially selected news
And we learned so much more 'bout the good guys
Won't you stand by the flag? Was the question unasked
Won't you join in and fight with the allies?
What could we say...we're only 25 years old?
With 25 sweet summers, and hot fires in the cold
This kind of life makes that violence unthinkable
We'd like to play hockey, have kids and grow old

Fighters for Texaco, fighters for power
Fighters for longer turns in the shower
Don't tell me I can't fight 'cause I'll punch out your lights
And history seems to agree that I would fight you for me
That us would fight them for we

He's just a peacenik and she's just a warhawk
That's where the beach was, that's where the sea
What could we say...we're only 25 years old?
And history seems to agree
Tthat I would fight you for me
That us would fight them for we

Is that how it always will be?

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Your Flag Decal Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore - John Prine (1971)

While digesting Reader's Digest
In the back of a dirty book store,
A plastic flag, with gum on the back,
Fell out on the floor.
Well, I picked it up and I ran outside
Slapped it on my window shield,
And if I could see old Betsy Ross
I'd tell her how good I feel.

Chorus:
But your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.
They're already overcrowded
From your dirty little war.
Now Jesus don't like killin'
No matter what the reason's for,
And your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.

Well, I went to the bank this morning
And the cashier he said to me,
"If you join the Christmas club
We'll give you ten of them flags for free."
Well, I didn't mess around a bit
I took him up on what he said.
And I stuck them stickers all over my car
And one on my wife's forehead.

But your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.
They're already overcrowded
From your dirty little war.
Now Jesus don't like killin'
No matter what the reason's for,
And your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.

Well, I got my window shield so filled
With flags I couldn't see.
So, I ran the car upside a curb
And right into a tree.
By the time they got a doctor down
I was already dead.
And I'll never understand why the man
Standing in the Pearly Gates said...

"But your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more.
We're already overcrowded
From your dirty little war.
Now Jesus don't like killin'
No matter what the reason's for,
And your flag decal won't get you
Into Heaven any more."